英文幽默集锦（二）

1．Roles And How We Play Them

Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot in my life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.

Jamie was trying out for a part in a school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen. On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. "Guess what Mom," he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me, "I've been chosen to clap and cheer."

2. The Blind Date:

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank God," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to."

Note: Blind Date: 从未晤面的男女经第三者安排所作的约会

3. A Letter from Mom:

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow, cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

About,your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.

Love, Mom

P. S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

4. Mother Mouse:

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"

5. The Rescue:

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting.

"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"

"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.

"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"

The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety.

Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"

6. Department-store automatic answering machine:

"If you are calling to order or send money, press 5."

"If you are calling to register a complaint, press 64-59834822955392."

"Have a good day."

7. Psychiatrist's Secretary:

"In my office, I just can't win!" lamented the psychiatrist's secretary.

"If I come to work early, I'm anxious. If I'm on time, I'm compulsive. If I'm late, I'm hostile..."

8. The Organization:

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ass holes.

9. Computer Humor:

"I asked my dad where babies come from. He says you download them from the Internet."

"Whenever something goes wrong, I just push this little Reset button and restart. I wish my whole life was like that!"

10. Pay Day:

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said.

"I know," the owner said, "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."

The contractor said, "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

11. Pig:

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

完全看不懂！好难啊！

挺有意思的?