英文幽默故事
英文幽默故事 One day, the teacher inquired Peter: "How much is four minus four?" Peter was tongue-tied.The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what is left in your pocket?"
"The hole." Replied Peter.
一天，老师问彼得：“4减4等于几？”彼得张口结舌答不上来。
老师生气地说：“真笨！比如我给你衣袋里装进4个硬币，可你衣袋上有个窟窿，硬币全从这里漏掉了，那么，你衣袋里还剩下什么?”“还剩下个窟窿。”彼得答道。
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的
A Boy with a Big Head
A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."
"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."
"Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat
Notes:
(1) make fun of取笑；嘲弄
(2) shopping bag购物袋
一个小男孩向他母亲哭诉道：“他们都取笑我，说我脑袋大。”
“别听他们的，”他母亲安慰道，“你有一个很漂亮的脑袋。好啦，别哭了，去商店买二十磅土豆来。”
“购物袋在哪儿？”
“没购物袋了----就用你的帽子吧。”
The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. "You'll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. "
Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"
我所工作的精品家具商店是从20世纪二十年代以来就营业的。最近我接到一个妇女的电话。她想换一套餐具中的一些椅子。这套餐具她是在三十年代从我们这儿买的。我向她保证说我们可以帮她的忙，于是我向部门经理寻求帮助。“你永远也不会相信，”我对他说，“我刚接到一个顾客的电话，她在三十年代从我们这里买了一些椅子。”
我还没来得及说她的要求，经理就打断了我的话：“你别告诉我她到现在还没收到货！”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday, and everyone was complimenting him on how well he looked.
"I'll tell you the secret," he said. "My wife and I were married seventy-five years ago. On our wedding night we made a pledge that whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go out and take a walk. I have been in the open air continuously for the past seventy-five years.
爷爷过一百岁生日，大家都祝贺他，说他看上去很健康。
“我来告诉你们这里的秘密，”他说，“我和妻子结婚七十五年了。在新婚之夜我们订了一个誓约，那就是无论我们什么时候发生争吵，谁被证明是错了的，谁就到外面去散一圈步。我已经在外面一直呆了七十五年了。”
The father was reading the school report which had just been handed to him by his hopeful son. His brow was wrathful as he read,
"English, poor; French, weak; mathematics, fair;" and he gave a glance of disgust at the quaking lad.
"Well, Dad." said the son, "It is not as good as it might be, but have you seen that?" And he pointed to the next line which read, "health, excellent."
父亲在看他那满怀希望的儿子带回来的学校成绩单。他边看边露出愤怒的表情：
“英语，差；法语，差；数学，中。”他厌恶地瞥了在发抖的儿子一眼。
“爸爸，”儿子说，“可能成绩不够理想。但您看到那一项了吗？”他指了指下一行：“健康状况，优。”
Mike was late for school. He said to his teacher, Mr. Black, "Excuse me for my coming late, sir. I watched a football match in my dream." "Why did it make you late?" inquired the teacher. "Because neither team could win the game, so it lasted a long time," replied Mike.
迈克上学迟到了。他对老师布莱克先生说：“对不起，我迟到了，老师。我梦见了一场足球赛。”老师问：“那为什么会使你迟到呢？”迈克回答说：“因为两个队不分胜负，所以持续了很长时间。”
"Are you writing a thank-you letter to Grandpa like I told you?"
"Yes, Mum."
"Your handwriting seems very large."
"Well, Grandpa's deaf, so I'm writing very loud."
“你是在按照我说的给爷爷写信感谢他吗？”
“是的，妈妈。”
“你的字好象写得太大了。”
“嗯，爷爷的耳朵不好，所以我写得大声点儿。”
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Good-bye, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Good-bye, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Good-bye, Money."
一次，我和丈夫以及两个孩子前往位于佛罗里达州的迪斯尼乐园旅游,我们全身心地陶醉在它的各种充满吸引力的奇观中。筋疲力尽地玩了三天后，我们要回家了。 当我们驾车离开时，儿子挥着手说：“再见了，米奇。” 女儿也挥着手说，“再见了，米妮。” 丈夫也有气无力地挥了挥手，说：“再见了，美元。”
No doubt about it, my fellow monk, Father Martin, was a bit of an absent-minded professor. He often filled in for sick priests at other parishes, and one Saturday he found himself on a train to a new destination, frantically searching his pockets for his ticket. "Forget about it, Father," said the conductor, recognizing him as a regular. "I'm sure you paid for a ticket." "I can't forget about the ticket," Father Martin replied nervously. "I need to know where I'm going."
毫无疑问，我的同事、Martin神父是个有点健忘的教授。他经常到别的教区给生病的牧师替班。一个周六，他又坐火车出发了，但到验票时，他却怎么都找不着放在衣服口袋里面的火车票。因为老坐火车，列车员认得教授，因此对他说，“不用找了，我想你肯定已经买过票了。”“我得把票找出来”，Martin神父不安地回答。“我得弄清楚我是要去哪”。